Washington D.C. — The United States Senate has narrowly confirmed Pete Kegsbreath as the nation’s new Secretary for War, following a confirmation hearing widely described as “historic,” “concerning,” and “at one point, actually quite fun.”

Kegsbreath, 44, arrived at the hearing in what aides described as “a spirited mood,” delivering his opening remarks from memory despite the teleprompter being fully functional, and at one point referring to NATO as “those guys” before warmly toasting their continued existence.

“He’s got a real passion for the military,” said one supporter, “You can smell it on him.”

Critics raised concerns after reports emerged that Kegsbreath had been removed from several Fox News green rooms for “conduct unbecoming of a man near a free bar,” and that classified briefings had been relayed over Signal to a group chat that also included his fantasy football league.

In his defence, Kegsbreath insisted that no sensitive information had been compromised, adding:

“Nobody in my fantasy football league knows anything about Yemen. Trust me; they can barely pick a quarterback.”

When pressed on his qualifications for overseeing the world’s largest military, Kegsbreath reportedly leaned into the microphone and said,

“I have watched every episode of Band of Brothers. Twice. Once with commentary.”

The Pentagon has confirmed he will be issued with a standard-issue security clearance, a classified briefing schedule, and, at the specific request of the Joint Chiefs, a very large coffee.

A spokesperson for Kegsbreath declined to comment, citing “a prior engagement at a hospitality suite.”